Tuesday, 15 January 2013

I Was Wrong

Not for the first time a pronouncement I made on this blog was horribly, terribly, heartbreakingly wrong. At the time I made it with the best of arrogant intension: ‘I found somebody I like, and she likes me and she is sane, finally!’ only to be kicked in the balls and ignored. Ignored so much that it took me 3 weeks to get the message, because I had to guess what the message was. Problem was I’m no mind reader and I always search desperately for closure. Closure doesn’t seem to be in anyone else’s vocabulary. More likely nobody gives a shit about being courteous and respectful.

I resolved that things would get better when I moved. That moving to the city would provide me with better/more opportunities to meet attractive women. Since moving I’ve done an array of uncomfortable things to try and broaden my networks. I hate meeting new people. I hate having to start at 0 with people. It scares me. And I have had to do it so often recently.

I have not been expecting miracles. All I wanted was to try and make a few friends as a starting point. Yet almost every new person I’ve met since I moved has ditched me for no apparent reason. It would be fine if a person were to say ‘You know what? You’re a boring shit’ That would be better than not showing up at a scheduled meeting or blocking me on chat without explanation. That hurts more because now I feel like I have social gonorrhoea. And you wonder why I hate meeting new people?

I don’t want to ignore my standards and take what I can get. That would only leave me with old, fat, ‘disability support workers’ with obvious crippled fetishes. I know I deserve better. I know I need better. I also know that I am desperately lonely. 

3 comments:

  1. Hey! I'm a newish friend, and I'm fricken lovely!!

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  2. You know what, because I've also experience that lack of closure/being ditched as a teen and in my early 20/ (all too often), I have decided that I should do the 'right thing' and provide closure for a person I may be cutting contact with. It's only fair.
    I'm sorry things are so difficult for you Todd. I hope they become easier soon.

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