Today is the second most important date on my calendar. June 24th is a date that holds more importance to me than my birthday. This day last year was the day that everything changed, for all the good and the bad. This year, it represents the final day that I will use to wallow in my own pity, and finally after a torturous six months, say goodbye to the memories I have been holding onto and hopefully move on once and for all.
One of the many lessons that Gilmore Girls taught me was that when in pain I needed to wallow in order to excise all of it.
Lorelai: Listen, I've had my heart broken before. It's really hard. It's hard for everyone. So, can I give you a little advice?
Lorelai: I think what you really need to do today is wallow.
Lorelai: Oh yeah. Get back in your pajamas, got to bed, eat nothing but gallons of ice cream and tons of pizza. Don't take a shower or shave your legs or put on any kind of makeup at all. And just sit in the dark and watch a really sad movie and have a good long cry and just wallow. You need to wallow.
Lorelai: Rory, your first love is intense and your first breakup even more intense. Shoving it away and ignoring it while you make lists is not going to help.
Whereas it took Rory a mere day to wallow, it has taken me much, much longer. This was no ordinary existential crisis, it was THE crisis. I miss so many things:
- I miss unconditional love
- I miss intimacy
- I miss looking forward to sharing my inner most secrets
- I miss the prospect of sharing a future with someone
- I miss holding someone until I fell asleep
- I miss my best friend
- I miss the person who I felt understood me like no other.
These were life altering events for me, culminating in the most special day of my entire life. These are not things you can get over quickly. In fact I don’t think I will ever fully recover with my heart having to endure thousands of tiny paper cuts, each more painful than the last.
So today I am all alone. I am going to watch my favourite movie. I am going to cry all day for what I have lost.
I will finally say goodbye like I mean it.
Then tomorrow I will plan for the future.