Friday, 2 December 2011

INTENSE

adj
1. Possessing or displaying a distinctive feature to an extreme degree: the intense sun of the tropics.
2. Extreme in degree, strength, or size: intense heat.
3. Involving or showing strain or extreme effort: intense concentration.
4.
a. Deeply felt; profound: intense emotion.
b. Tending to feel deeply: an intense writer.

Do I scare people? Are they afraid of my directness? Or is it my willingness to open up and be brutally honest about myself and how I am feeling? It is probably because I am very forthcoming with my opinions, especially unpopular ones. Having once prided myself on my honesty, I don’t think I can ascribe myself with that characteristic and give a correct assessment of myself. Unflinching, unafraid and terse certainly.

I figure that this is why I gain and lose friends at a quick rate. I suppose people see my intensity as a charming characteristic at first. I say (and publish) things people think of saying, but would never dare to. This has never changed and probably will never. But in the long term, it seems to piss former friends off. I would probably say ‘If they don’t understand me and how I operate were they ever really  my friends to begin with?’ This question in itself is a perfectly illustration of the intensity I speak of.

Part of the dynamic is that throughout my life I have endured wild fluctuations in emotions. I am constantly in one of three states: on an insane high, debilitating depression, or recovering from either extreme. This I realise doesn’t make me easy to get on with. I often shoot myself in the foot too. I am always keen to brag about things when I’m on a high, but when the inevitable low comes I have to backtrack very quickly.

For this reason I have to start leaning to shut up. It is not working too well is it?

1 comment:

  1. I replied to a blog post recently that was about disability and why should that person have to show consideration when talking about things that the pwd may not be able to relate to. for example, why shouldn't they refrain from complaining about their pimples when the pwd has bugger fish to fry? 
    I mentioned that I just as pwd sometimes require physical reasonable adjustment methods, talking to pwd may also require Reasonable adjustment. 
    And in reading your blog post tonight, maybe this is what you might need to do too - reasonable adjustment when talking to various people. Be yourself but test the waters and build rapport before getting too intense? 

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