One would think I would have acquired a lot of determination, persistence and stubbornness over the course of my lifetime. Lord knows there are too many fucking obstacles to overcome. For all my attempts at carving a diverse life recently, I keep getting and feeling rejected. This does not help my fragile self esteem at this particular point in time given that this is a sensitive time of year.
It would help if I actually knew what I want. The thought of a long term relationship scares the shit out of me, given that I still have massive scars from the last one. Sex would be great, but is a rarity. Do you know girls who would ‘casually date’ a crip (if so let me know) with all the physical and emotional challenges that creates? Yet I know if it was just ‘casual’, it would not be enough.
So what to do? The foray into online dating has been a mixed blessing. I have found a great friend out of the experience. Yet she is the only one who has contacted me across the 3 ‘dating websites’ I have tried. Remember that fragile ego I mentioned? 1/54 ain’t helping matters. 54 seems a lot but I’m very, very picky, I think I’ve seen over 1000 profiles. Yesterday I thought I found a girl with potential. She was smart, we had things in common I thought, she made me smile, seemed fairly open minded and was good looking. Her reply: like 37 others: ‘I don’t think we would have much in common’ There are several translations for this, which in itself would take up several blog posts, none of them pleasant.
Yes I’m doing all these great things with few people, but I’m scared, really, really scared. Things seem great now, they always do in the heady stages. Then something happens, I get too intense and I’m back to where I started. Wise beyond my years because my soul has been skin grafted within an inch of itself, with supposedly ‘close friends’ drifting off the face of the earth. Most of the time I doubt whether I can in fact have a ‘healthy relationship’ with anyone in the long term romantic or otherwise. Next week is a decade since I graduated high school (more on that in another post) and I have gone through not one, but three distinctive social groups, and none of them have stuck. I float through life trying to find people who understand me, yet nothing sticks. No wonder I haven’t found what I’m looking for.
After the tragedy that was Christmas I made a pact: I would make 5 new friends that I could hangout with in 2011. I have made 1. I’ve tried new things, made myself feel uncomfortable, and done everything I can emotionally cope with. And yet here I am consciously trying very hard not to repeat the same patterns, but ultimately feeling unsatisfied. How uncomfortable do I have to be? It is almost like I have to create new behaviour to try and dilute my intensity in order to keep people interested in being my friend in the long term. And yet, that is not me.
I have no idea what to do.