Friday, 14 October 2011

Take A Look At Me Now

I remember the last time I cried. It was so cliché. I didn’t just cry, I whaled. It was an attempt to get all the residual pain out of my system. I turned on possibly the saddest song in the history of recorded music and I let it all out. Three and half hours later I was done. A line in the sand had been drawn. Goodbye to past dreams. Goodbye to former ‘friends’ who never really were. Goodbye to the person I wanted to be.

That was a Thursday afternoon, I remember it so well because it was the day before my first meeting with DSQ. The meeting that would supposedly change my life, where I had to lay out all my neurosis and literally beg for money. I wasn’t looking forward to reliving the proceeding nine months in great detail. I feared that I would collapse halfway through both physically and emotionally. Somehow I did not and I was able to present myself with at least a measure of composure.

After the final evacuation of tears, it seems my life has turned around to some degree. Through sheer happenstance that next morning I allowed myself to take a risk and create a friendship that would have never happened otherwise. A few days later, I opened my thesis for the first time in seven and a half months and started slowing working. That was the step that mattered the most. It was harder than faking a smile, harder than talking to several complete strangers about my feelings and much harder than shedding tears. Returning to my thesis meant that for all the talk of ‘creating new goals’ I was actually doing something substantive.

Then it happened: last week for the first time since Christmas I actually felt like I had a ‘good day’. This was because for the first time I felt comfortable being this new version of myself. The pain of the past whilst still there, was in the background instead of the foreground. This all happened because I was doing new things, with a new person, who didn’t know me BC to compare my personalities. No expectations were needed.

I still want to completely forget my birthday and the entire month of December are coming up. But at least I don’t need to cry anymore 

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