It is 2011, and the tapes you used to mail Sally during your freshman year in 1998-99 are now delightfully quaint. So instead I’m using a blog (maybe Noel has one these days?) to give you some advice, because Sally clearly was not up to the task. I have just witnessed your first year in college for the third time, nearly 13 years after it took place, and I have some questions for you.
These questions seem obvious to me, but clearly not to you. Why the hell were you such a bitch? Why were you even contemplating choosing Ben over Noel? Why did you screw Julie over so royally? Why do you make me love and hate you in equal measure? By god, Miss Porter for someone so smart, you sure as hell seem dense.
Despite moving to New York because you were ‘in love’ with Ben, most of your freshman year, you were involved with Noel. Noel was a major doofus, but he was sweet and genuinely cared about you. Your whole courtship was a delight to watch culminating in the wonderfully sweet week before Midterms. Noel reminds me of myself, despite the appearance of rationality, he wears his heart on his sleeve. Sure, he may not have been over his future ex wife soon after you got together, but you should have cut the poor guy some slack. At least he didn’t resort to a one night stand with someone who had an enormously bad hair cut, even by late 1990s standards.
Noel forgave you, even though he shouldn’t have. But by then, through the contrivance of a zany plot device, your roommate Meghan put a ‘love spell’ on you, so your feelings for Ben would be reignited. Even though that is still beyond my comprehension, lets look at the facts Felicity: Ben was a grade A dickhead:
- He hooked up with random chicks right in front of you at the beginning of the year
- He then starts dating YOUR BEST FRIEND Julie, even though you were still in love with him
- He then breaks up with Julie for no apparent reason, even though she has been traumatised to the extreme during her own freshman year
- He then starts putting the moves on you, claiming that ‘he likes’ you now, even though nothing in his personality indicates why he should be attracted to you
Despite the fact that I now seem to hate you, I am still fond of you. You were adorkable before Zooey Dachanel was even practicing her fake lisp. Your heart always appeared to be in the right place, even though you always made the stupidest decisions. This is the quality that I identify with most these days. In 1999 I thought you were an optimistic dreamer, now I realise you were just incredibly stupid because you live with your head and not your heart.
I know how the rest of college plays out and believe me I will be once again revisiting those three remaining years. I know whether you pick Ben or Noel, and I know your choices will continue to fascinate and frustrate me in equal measure, yet somehow for reasons I cannot understand, I still wish you were the girlfriend I never had.