Dear Girl Who Has Been Kind Enough To Be Polite To Me:
I usually start off this letter by telling you how shy I am. This letter will make up for it because I can FINALLY tell you how I feel. But in reality, if you really meant something to me I would tell you in person because I would have the guts, and I wouldn’t be scared of rejection.
I’d tell you the story of how it felt when I first laid eyes on you. I fell in ‘love’. This happens every time, because I really don’t know how to relate to women I find attractive above my waist. What this really means though is that I am starved for companionship. Consequently, what would pass for a healthy relationship with a woman has more attached to it. Then the cycle starts.
Because I am so shit at obtaining and maintaining multiple friendships, I don’t live a healthy well rounded lifestyle. And then I become fixated with you. I check my email every hour to see if you have sent me a message. I keep my phone beside me at all times too. Because I keep things bottled up, my true ‘feelings’ will undoubtedly come out in one big rush. Usually through another letter you are yet to receive. I start to plan fictitious dates.
Naturally you decline my advances, because you are sane. You try and let me down gently because I’m the type of guy you wish you could like. I keep your secrets, tell you how beautiful you are, I might even make you laugh, and gosh darn it I’m smart. I’m the guy who your mother wishes you would pick, but you never do. Instead you like the guy in that band. He might even be your boyfriend, but you are never his first choice. You are always mine. Disturbingly so.
Somehow your rejection makes me even more determined to win your affection. You see I watch too many teen soaps where this happens and I confuse it with reality. This is where things get rather silly. You rejected me and yet again I retreat inwards. I become emotional, lose the skerrick of self esteem that took me a year to redevelop after the last time. I once again lose a potentially great friendship and have no one to blame but myself.
You wanna know the worst part? If you had just ignored me, instead of talking to me and smiling politely that first time we could have both avoided this whole mess in the first place. Next time just ignore me. Please.
I love you so much.
Todd (In his various guises 1996-2010)