Saturday, 20 August 2011

Stocktake

As an obsessive commemorator of personal history, I have pondered for several months how I would remember the third weekend in August 2010. This time last year the Gillard Government squeaked into office on the back of the worst ALP campaign in living memory. For the first time since becoming an ALP member in 2002 I didn’t volunteer at a polling booth on the day of a State or Federal Election. I was having much more fun. I was at the apex of my life.

That weekend was part of an awakening of sorts. The first time I felt truly comfortable with myself and in control of my life. The first time I felt whole like my search to discover who and what I was had finally ended. I knew where I was headed, where I wanted to go and who I wanted to go with.

I was wrong. So wrong.

I then developed the bends because I dived so deep and so fast. It was gradual at first, as control was slowly slipping away from me and then my ears popped. I descended screaming to the bottom dragging myself and the people around me to the bottom.

I look objectively at what I’ve achieved in the past twelve months and developed an inventory.
  1. I lost several litres of tears.
  2. I have not moved anywhere (yet) despite two attempts.
  3. I have lost so many friends because they cannot deal with the honest response to ‘How are you feeling?' (The answer 90% of the time is ‘absolutely shit’)
  4. I realise that I continually underestimate the few people I can truly count on of whom number in the single digits
  5. I realised that I am person who needs to find a partner, not to obsess over, but to be a well rounded person
  6. I have concluded that no matter how uncomfortable it makes me, I need to try and meet new people.
  7. I can no longer count on former bedrocks to guide my way of thinking.
  8. I need to forgive myself for my mistakes.
  9. I need to channel my pain into positive things.
  10. I have learnt that life is full of continual disappointments so I have to hold onto my few joyous moments.
  11. I am not a happy person.
  12. That I am an intense person. I should be who I am.
  13. That I will have to fight to flourish in life. Nothing is easy and I'm entitled to nothing without working for it.
  14. That I deserve everything I get because of the effort I put in or lack thereof. Both the good and bad things.

Most of all I have to acknowledge:

That I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or what the future holds
 

That it is okay for me to be angry, depressed, sad and yet to be able to love at the same time

I have changed. I won’t be able to forget. That is the way it should be

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