Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Constapation

I have always hated sitting on the pot. It has come to represent the thing I hate most in my life as well as my inability to control my daily functions. It is even worse these days because it gives me time to think. I hate thinking because all I can think of is how much pain I have, and how much weight I have to carry: tons upon tons of hurt, anger and regret. Consequently it is all that has been here recently. Today’s post by my blogger pal Carly talks about her day, but it may as well have been talking about every day I have endured since Christmas.

Tomorrow I have to make a big call on my short term future, and I’m no closer to making a decision. So it is for this reason I’ve decided to take a break from here until I figure my shit out. This place doesn’t get many hits anyway, and I’m repeating myself. I hurt, I hurt, and I hurt some more. I don’t need to tell the world that anymore. For the time being I have run out of things to say. Because every day has been the same, nothing changes for worse, and for worse.

I will not write here again until I have something good to say and find something that will make me happy: because right now I hate everything. My faith in my party has reached its lowest ebb, only likely to change when its leader does. I am not inspired by anything. Life seems to be an unrelenting struggle that will never end: only filled with pain and no joy. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, because there is only so many times I can say 'I feel like absolute shit' over the phone, online or via email before it becomes redundant not only to my friends, but to myself. I wish I could respond to the casual greeting of ‘How was your day?’ with anything other than anguish or a muted grumble. I wish I could talk about anything other than struggling to keep my head afloat, but it is the greatest challenge I have ever faced (including living with Cerebral Palsy).

The worst thing in life is to strive for greatness and achieve mediocrity. See you when (and if) greatness chooses to visit me again.

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