Monday, 30 May 2011

I Don't Believe Them

'My current state will cease to exist'. That is what everybody keeps telling me. I don't believe them.

At some point this week, my battle with depression will reach a wider audience. Only it will be disguised in disability theory because that was what was needed. Truthfully I could only expose less than 40% of my pain in that instance. I can describe even less of it here. People ask 'How you are, really'? and those who I have been game enough to tell the whole truth to have been hurt by my response.

A friend of mine went through (almost) the same circumstances that I went through at the same time I did. I found out a couple of days ago that they have successfully found a partner. I could not be happier for them. Yet thoughts of me making the same move, or at least attempting it, border on insane. I am emotionally neutered. In fact, I am even pondering whether I can even make that move in my lifetime.

'You will, you will.' That is everybody keeps telling me. I don't believe them.

Pleasure when it exists only does so in brief flickering instances. In each case it is masochistic, the pain overpowering the feelings of joy by an infinite power no calculator can measure.

'The pain will go away eventually' That is everybody keeps telling me. I don't believe them

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