Tuesday, 17 May 2011

First Person

Sitting here in the dark late at night pondering my ill fated decisions is the quintessential motif of my life.

Hell, it is the reason for all of this: the creation of the blog. This blog was the genesis for the best day of my life, and the instigator for the worst day of my life just 20 days after. Consequently it seems the best place to ask:

What do I want out of life?

I want to be out of this wheelchair, this house, and most importantly I want to be over this mountainous life. I’m sick of climbing peaks guided by metaphorical and literal tour guides. Basically I want to be the person I was 6 months ago with a few provisos.

  1. No deceptions and lying
  2. Emotional independence
  3. Have strength and resilience.

I have determined that I have had my shot at any form of intimate long term relationship. I gave it my best shot, made lots of mistakes, and now I have decided to throw in the towel (at least until a I get all my shit together, which is probably never). The kind of feelings I felt were so intense, that I don't think it is possible for me to feel them again. I am not built that way. That was my chance and I messed it up. Should I come anywhere near close I will stop, revel in the once in a lifetime memories that were created and stop.

I have determined that I might make a good friend, but I am lousy boyfriend material.

Of course I will never be out of the wheelchair, although it seems I wish this to be the case more and more every single day. Don’t tell me not to. You can’t possibly imagine the combination of feelings associated with my particular brand of disability.

I want to be a downhill skier just for a while. I want something to come easy for once. Just one thing. I want to enjoy every aspect of my life, something I have not been able to do my entire life. I want to be proud of myself. The intellectual me is too easy to be proud of. I want to be the kind of person that my hero can be proud of. I have never been that person.

I want to use this time I have to reconstruct my life, not waste it, and not rush it to do all the things I have mentioned above.

I want the best day to provide me with strength and my worst to remind me of the things I constantly need to change.

1 comment:

  1. You will get there, you just have to keep rememering to have faith.