Saturday, 7 May 2011

Dark, Seeing No Light

At some point this week I was going to write a confessional type posts. Though I am trying to avoid this I was inspired by this incredibly moving post dealing with alcoholism and another on the perils of online dating. However, I am not skilled in this area. In fact I have written two separate posts and then deleted them because the tone was not right.

I feel increasing isolated. Not the isolation that leads to loneliness. I don’t really care if I am alone for the rest of my life, although I realise I can't be. This is more an intellectual and emotional loneliness. Emotional in the sense that I have trouble communicating exactly what I am feeling. Depression it seems is a well worn cliché, where it only seems acceptable for a certain period of time. Then people expect you to be ‘over it’ like it is the flu or something: where if you will yourself to get better or think positive thoughts it shall be cured. I am not suggesting that I am the only person to go through this, but as hard as I try to explain it, no one can understand it. It is caused by things that are specific to me alone. It is even trickier when the depression is added to my existing physical disability, which acts as a constant reminder of things I am not capable of. This in turn forms a vicious cycle: I can not do the things I want to do to ease my melancholy and so I stay depressed.

Intellectually I cannot do anything. I am not motivated to do any thesis work, because it is a challenge just to get through the day unscathed. A day spent pushing down the pain, and waiting for the right time to express it is incredibly exhausting. Much more exhausting than writing 2,000 words a day that is for sure.

For this reason I missed the National Disability and Carers Congress (NDCC) in Melbourne this week. I was just too ‘sick’ to go. This was enormously frustrating for me. Reports from the conference suggest that it was an elongated rally for the NDIS, where the bastard concept was promoted and marketed within an inch of its life. Consequently conversations I have had with several attendees have indicated that no alternatives were suggested.  I doubt that my attendance would have changed this, but at least my opinion would have been heard, because I would have made sure it was. I have lost the fight that I needed to win. I give up.

I am stuck with a system I do not want, need or desire. When it does not work I will not get any satisfaction from saying ‘I told you so’. Instead it just reinforces my opinion that I am unable to control any aspect of my life whether I want to or not. This is so demoralising because up until this point in my life I have spent it trying to prove to myself that I can.

Either I am too weak, or I have failed. Which is worse?

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