Saturday, 16 April 2011

'The Stillborn Dream'

If I were to put a title on the second half of 2010 it would be called The Stillborn Dream. I found my dream, planned it in both the metaphorical and literal senses and did everything but execute it. I was 11 days from executing it. I often wonder if I were more patient, more trusting, and more fearless whether I would have had the chance to act it out, at least for some period of time. My greatest regret in life is that I never got the chance to experience at least a second of it.

I said I would not talk about it, but I’ve come to realise that for better or worse I need to. It is the person that I am. Maybe I’m ‘overly emotional’, but it is better than having emotions suppressed. I know that it will take years, not weeks, to recover from The Stillborn Dream. I carry this pain around me with every single day. Some days I cry a lot. Because it is a death. It will be perhaps more painful than having any single person I know taken away from this Earth. It was my first real dream, my first tastes of freedom and love taken away all at once.

‘Are you okay?’ I don’t know the correct answer to this anymore. Is it no? Is it yes? The fact is that I am grieving for something that was never going to work in the first place. This leads me to some sort of identity crisis. If it was not going to work than why am I so upset? It seems silly, stupid even. I grieve for a number of reasons, but chiefly I mourn the life I will never get the chance to lead, the continuation of the greatest six months of my life.

Why am I writing about this right now? Because I have to recognise in a public forum that I am a combination of angry, sad, and yes awfully depressed. Why do it on a blog where anybody can read this? If you think less of me because of this, if I’m not employable in the future, or if you’re a girl who is both really hot and really smart and I like you, or if you're a friend, enemy, or troll, and you decide that I’m a fruit loop because I have said that god awful ‘D’ word, then bugger you.

I write this right now because I realise that every action that I have undertaken in the past four months and twenty two days is a result of both extreme anger and extreme sadness. I have become far more combative, temperamental and short tempered and this is unlikely to change in the short or medium terms. I have literally put my life on hold while I address the mountains of shit that I should have dealt with a long time ago. Of course this was all brought on by The Stillborn Dream, but not all because of it.

So while I’m working on my pop culture list. I also have the goal of making five new friends this year that I can actually see, hear and touch (once I am ready to come out of the house). I cannot help that stupid Queensland bureaucrats are halting my attempts at independence until at least July 29, but at least I can say that I am pissed off at the world, and cry lots more.

And try to move on, finally.

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