“Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way: that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy.” Aristotle
2011 feels like a non event so far, there’s little in the way of new albums, few current movies I have loved, few current books I want to read. The only positive thing to come out of this year up to this point has been my writing and my kamikaze approach to it. Starting from a low morale base this year has proven one thing: I am no longer afraid to piss people off, and I don’t have to hide my anger. Yet I think it is going to take a long time to move past this anger: it is possibly a life long struggle.
Why do people feel it necessary to hide despair? Pretend the world is okay and put on fake smiles? Construct versions of their identity that satisfy the world and not themselves? In many ways I used to be more guilty of this than most. What is the problem with being pissed off? Those who argue that whinging and complaining about one’s circumstances achieves nothing miss the point of it all. It is through anger and frustration that I personally achieve catharsis. The result of which you see on these pages most of the time.
Too often people confuse anger with other things. To be angry, may lead to depression, although that is not always the case. Anger for me is a way to face up to uncomfortable reality of life. I’m working on ways to continually express my anger in more a healthy way. Like with all emotions, if anger is not expressed correctly it builds up and then explodes into a torrent during a specific moment in time.
The song above represents my go to point for anger, resentment, sadness and bitterness. You know that when this song is on repeat or played often (particularly this version) that I am pissed off with the world. I withdraw, I write more, other communication is kept to a minimum and I become highly emotional. Various experts say some of these characteristics are bad, and that some are good. I’ve finally come to accept that for better or worse these traits are how I deal with negative events and that I must use them progressively, rather than mesh them together.
I’m mad as hell, and I don’t have the option of whether I can take it anymore. The pain will linger forever, all sorts of pain, not just one particular type. Whether it be in relation to my disability, being unsatisfied with my personal life or the frustration of life generally, I know that I as an individual am not strong, nor am I brave. I just survive some days because I have no choice but to survive.
A few songs, and a trusted few friends help ease the pain and subdue the anger at least temporarily. Learning to hate and to be angry should not be frowned upon. I hate far more people than I love. People I love hate me at times. Anger drives me sometimes, especially when few other things can.
I must embrace the anger as I have, for it may be here to stay.