Saturday, 27 February 2010

Battlefield

It feels absurdly stupid to pick fights you can’t win. You fight and you’re in the right, but nothing is going to change. Even if you’ve got the high moral ground sometimes bringing things to a head can be both good and bad. Is that what most people think? Because I don’t believe it.

I wouldn’t say I thrive on conflict, rather I see it as necessary. One of the greatest personality traits I admire in myself is that I never let things fester, never put my head in the sand, and pretend things will go away. I don’t believe in denial, never have never will. Denial is for the weak and the powerless. Denial is for cowards.

Yet every single day I am forced to pick my battles: physical, psychological, emotional and political. It’s easy to look at my life through the prism of conflict. Even more so when at times I begin to feel like society’s punching bag: analysed by people who unknowingly view me as the antithesis of my personality: docile, dumb and weak.

Maybe this is why generating conflict gets me into trouble. I always feel like I have to prove that I am worthy, never to myself, but to other people. It’s not enough just to merely fight back I have to rip their heads off, particularly if the people concerned messes with those close to me. Some people say that hate is a very strong word and that you shouldn’t hate people. I disagree. Hate when harnessed in the right fashion can be a very powerful tool. I can confidently say that I hate many more people than I love. Some say hate is poisonous. Those who say this hate for the wrong reasons.

It is also not a stretch to say that two words have defined my attitude to life. Those two words can be put in a harsh context, so lets just use the PG related example: Bugger You. ‘Bugger you for telling me I won’t walk, talk, thrive and survive’ ‘Bugger you for telling me I won’t achieve my dreams and goals’ Bugger you for telling me that I will never have any friends’ ‘Bugger you for telling me I won’t go to university’. Bugger you for telling me I can’t do ANYTHING I set my mind to’. This is what drives me every single day: to get out of bed, to study, to work, to keep going when all hope is lost. I’ve been proving people wrong every single day of my life and I will continue to do so for the rest of my existence.

Yet this attitude is not all about spite. It means I never, ever give up. I may never walk and I may be confined to a wheelchair but I will never walk away, and people who underestimate that do so at their own peril. It means that I am fiercely loyal. Once you’re in with me, I will fight to the death to protect you. If I love you, I will love you for as long as I am able, despite the circumstances, and if you hurt the people I love, you will become my enemy. This is my code. Become my enemy at your peril.

Perhaps this why I love politics. It requires things that I admire: passion, intelligence and commitment. Injustice is not just a word that Batman uses, it’s a concept that I fight against every day, and politics is the tool that eradicates it. I believe in justice for society, my friends and my family. Those who threaten these causes threaten me, and I will fight against them. I pick my battles and I will win every single time.

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