Might write something I want to say to you someday
Might do something I'd be proud of someday
Mark my words, I might be something someday
For the first time in a long, long time I actually feel content. It is not that I wasn’t happy before, life was good, it was challenging, fulfilling, interesting, and complex, but rarely exciting. I have always had purpose, stubbornly so, but actually living life seems more important now. The goals have not diminished, but they are now part of a wider tapestry of life.
Following on from a few discussions I have had recently and the list I published a couple of weeks ago, I have decided that it is not enough to merely express my inner most thoughts nightly during the four or so hours I am trapped in bed waiting to fall asleep. It is not enough to wait for the ‘right moment’ to tell people how I feel, for it may never come.
So after talking to one of its members, I have dubbed a group of my most trusted friends ‘The Group of 6’. (G6) These six all know who they are: they are only 6 whom I trust with my life, my heart, and my soul. I also tell them how important they are to me every chance I get, but now it is time for others to know.
Late at night it is these people who I think about, I think about their hopes, their dreams, their goals, what drives them, but perhaps most importantly what binds us together. I think about the times we have spent together, and the future experiences we have yet to share. In my photographic overactive mind, I have written wedding toasts, eulogies, and other speeches for their most important moments. I have made ITunes play lists for all of them, which I listen to when they are going through a rough patch as my way of cosmically sending positive thoughts. Sometimes, I even give these play lists to them.
Yes it is intense, all of the best people are. They emote at every opportunity. It has now become such a part of our culture to denigrate people who wear their hearts on their sleeves. Being ‘emotional’ is short hand for categorising teenagers who wear too much eye make up and listen to music performed by skinny white boys. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with saying you’d die for a certain person, given that it was absolutely necessary. I can tell you now that I would die for everyone in the G6, without even having to think twice about it.
Some people think about a person’s funeral and they have nightmares. I write eulogies all of the time hoping never to give them, but using them as a tool to work out what I want to say to that person while they are alive. I don’t want the nicest words spoken about me to be when I am dead. And I don’t want my words spoken when they cannot hear them.
And so in the conversation mentioned above, I spoke the most honest words I had ever spoken to which they are claimed they did not feel worthy of. Funny that, because this person tells people on such a regular basis that they are amazing, and yet was complaining that these people never understood that it was meant with all sincerity. Sincerity its hard to come by these days.
Finally, to the most important member of the G6, who always reads this blog even when its complete drivel, even when it was in a different location, and always has done since the beginning. You are always number one on my call list, always will be no matter what happens. You deserve to be because you’ve put up with so much of my shit and still call me a friend. You are always there for me when I need you. That is why you are the G6's leading member.
Forget someday, someday is today.