Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Letter to a Higher Power

To Whom It May Concern:

There’s a reason I don’t believe in a higher power. It is not something I choose to believe in because I think if one exists then whoever you are, you are one sadistic bastard. Once every so often a bible basher will come up to me and say something like ‘God chose you to be in a wheelchair because he knew you could handle it’ Seriously, is that why? Because if so, that’s a really shitty explanation. People who say that clearly have no exposure to people with disabilities. Perhaps they should try a day sitting in my chair. But then again I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.

I think I’ve done a pretty good job rolling with the punches. So much so that I have actually turned the biggest negative into a positive, at least most of the time. Was this the plan? Because again, if it was, your planning skills leave a lot to be desired. There’s only so much I can take. Is there anything else you’d like to throw my way? Anything at all? You might as well just keep piling endless amounts of shit on my shoulders and see how long it takes until I fall over and die from utter exhaustion.

Whoever you are, you are a fuck wit. I thought I was on top of things, finally conquering all my demons and then you sent me on a path to destruction. You hit me where it hurt the most, put the greatest temptation in front of me and before I could grab it, you pulled it away like some snotty nosed kid with a dollar coin. You knew how this would affect me, but you did it anyway. Did it give you the ultimate satisfaction? Are you happy? Because I’m not.

But if you think you can defeat me you are dead wrong. You try to strip away my defences in order to make me perish. That is not going to work this time. It may have before, but I know your tricks now and I will strike you down. I have made a decision, I am going to turn what you think is my greatest weakness and turn it into my greatest strength. I am going to fight the pain you have inflicted upon me, neutralise it, and then one day turn it into my greatest source of joy. It won’t be to spite you, although that will be sweet. It will be for me.

You have tried to make the enemy formidable by making them attractive and desirable to my sensibilities. This will be your downfall. No matter how many times I experience that searing, stabbing, pain of loss, anguish and misery I will think of the joy I have felt, and all that I will feel again. Then it will be you who piles the shit upon your own shoulders, once you discover that you cannot get to me, ever. No matter what you try, no matter what shit you pull, no matter how many tears I cry, I will strike you down. I will hunt you down and kill you with my happiness.

One day when that happens, I will look up to the sky and say 'Fuck you, you are gone forever’.

I hope that day comes sooner than you think.